Reconnecting After a Disagreement: Strengthening Your Relationship
Reconnecting with our partner after a fight can feel challenging. Often, we hope our partner will be the one to reach out first, apologize (even if they were right), and make us feel better. We want them to extend an olive branch, giving us the choice to accept it or not. After all, no one wants to be the first one to make the move. What if they’re still upset with us? What if they become self-righteous when we admit we were wrong? What if they don’t want to reconnect at all? Ouch!
Cooling Off
However, reconnecting is a vital part of building a collaborative and connected relationship. Sometimes, we need some space to process the disagreement and collect our thoughts. Taking time to cool off can be beneficial, but it’s important not to use it to avoid our partner or punish them. Once we’re in a better emotional place, reconnecting can help strengthen our bond and lead to a healthier partnership. Staying distant, on the other hand, typically doesn’t improve the relationship.
Reconnection Looks Like…
So, what does reconnecting look like? And what if I don’t want to, because I’m still hurt? Reconnecting may not be easy, but it’s often the key to strengthening your relationship. Reconnection can mean different things—it could simply be that you've cleared your mind and can now be present for your partner. You’re accessible, emotionally available, and ready to engage. It might also involve acknowledging what just happened (but not in a blame-heavy way). You could say something like, “I noticed we both started yelling,” or, “I felt myself withdrawing when we weren’t on the same page.”
You don’t need to resolve the issue right away. You could say, “I’d like to connect with you and come back to our disagreement later when I am in a better headspace.” Trying to “win” the argument or get on the same page at that moment often leads to one person conceding just to end the fight. Instead, you might agree that there’s an issue, but you want to revisit it later—maybe with the help of a therapist, after you’ve had time to reflect, or when the moment feels right.
Physical Affection
Reconnecting can also involve simple gestures of affection, like asking for a hug or holding hands, or even just talking about something unrelated to the argument. Eye contact can also be a powerful way to reconnect—just letting your partner see you and allowing yourself to be seen, without letting the argument dominate your thoughts. You can put the issue aside temporarily, knowing you’ll return to it when it’s the right time, and continue to care for one another as you move forward.
A Healthier Way Of Dealing With Conflict
If shutting down, yelling, and constant fighting worked, most of us would be thriving in our relationship. But most of us know that it doesn’t. We might come from families where our parents didn’t show us connection but rather withdrawal, combativeness, silence, or resentment. Reconnection is challenging and uncomfortable, but worth it. The key question to ask yourself is: “Is what I’m doing bringing me closer to connection and collaboration with my partner, or further away from it?”
If you find reconnecting difficult, be gentle with yourself. But don’t let the temptation of staying inside your comfort zone prevent you from reconnecting. You can create a healthier way of dealing with conflict, one that can strengthen your relationship over time.
